Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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