I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize