the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
