I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
40s are totally the cure
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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