You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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