I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My hand turned me down
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
