Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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