stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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