Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
BRING THE BAGELS
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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