you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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