Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My balls are so social today.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
