I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize