i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
