so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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