she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Randomize
