she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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