and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
