Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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