my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
