I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize