I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
