He uses pillows to masturbate.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
