I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Apparently you make a good broom.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
