"it" just moved
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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