no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
