My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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