flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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