I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
