I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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