Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
