Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
