She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
