my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
