I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize