I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
