Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize