ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
