Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
