If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
being pregnant is like rehab
Your cock deserves a montage
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize