I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
