my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
