I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
