i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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