I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
