two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
