im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize