My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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