Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
