Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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