I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
