I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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