onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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