he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
FUCK WHALES
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