I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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