Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize