Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
