Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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