Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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