i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
If I die, sorry about rent.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
