We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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