i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Randomize
