She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Randomize
