Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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