started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
