The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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