Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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