I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
